STEP 1 TO RECOVERING FROM PCOS

The steps listed in the next few blog posts are exactly what I did, in the order I did them, to start recovering from PCOS. Are they right for everyone? I don't know. But they are different than any advice I've ever received in my 16 years with PCOS, and they wound up working wonders for me. Read on and see if these can work for you!

1. Reduce Stress. I know, I know... eyeroll. How can we reduce stress when we have a full time job, or going to school, or have kids, or have to take care of a household, or all of the above?! There is more pressure on women today to be everything and do everything, and to know better than everyone else. What do I mean exactly by know better? I'll explain.

Have you ever told your husband or SO (significant other) how to do something, without them even asking for your opinion? Maybe you don't even realize you're doing it. Or, do you take charge of the finances in your relationship, AND booking oil changes for the car, AND deciding where to go on vacation? Do you decide everything?

This was the first step for me in reducing my stress, which is critical to moving onto step 2 and beyond. You just will not succeed in this journey unless you are coming from a stable place internally. So this is what I did: I immediately stopped (mostly, no one is perfect) giving my opinion or telling my husband what to do. Every question from him was answered with, "whatever you think". This allowed me to give up my grip on having to control everything and let him take care of things.

Further, if something needed to be done like taking out the trash or booking a service to have our dead tree removed, I stopped reminding him or asking him to do it. And an amazing thing happened... it turns out he didn't need a reminder or needed to be asked. I had just assumed it, since I thought I had to control everything in our lives. This need for control came from a place of fear... I was afraid of the world. I was afraid everything would fall apart if I didn't keep it all organized up here [tapping my brain]. As a natural type A, I was setting myself up for an unnecessary nervous breakdown. Our life was (and is) good. Why couldn't I just relax and enjoy it?

So this is Step A to reducing stress: stop telling your SO what to do or giving your opinion*. If they ask for it, say this, "whatever you think". If they prod further, say, "I trust you'll make the right decision." Then shut your mouth!

*If you are with a man that cannot be trusted, ie: is physically abusive; has a gambling, drug, or alcohol addiction; or cannot be faithful; do not give up control. 

To read more about 'giving up control' and living almost blissfully carefree, read books by Laura Doyle. I have been following her instruction and this was the first step to improving my emotional well-being. The funny thing about giving up control to a good man (one who is not described by the * above), is that you wind up getting exactly what you want anyway. Men want to please you. He loves you. And he'll go to great lengths to make you happy. Just give him the chance to lead, and be a man. Save your big-girl pants for where they belong... in school, at work, or with your kids.

If you're single and on the dating scene, Laura's book The Surrendered Single is fabulous! You can enjoy this bliss, too.

Step B to reducing stress: Radical Self-Care. Notice above in Step A I did not address outside stressors, like a job you hate, financial problems, health problems (PCOS, anyone?!), etc. Making choices to change these stressors will be ten times easier once you reduce the false, internalized stressors you've created in your mind by needing to control everything in your relationship or dating life. You can't do it all, and when you stop trying to do it all the world will not collapse.

Anyway... back to the external stressors and practicing radical self-care. Do you need to quit your job, or find a new one? Do it. Do you need to reduce your commute time? Do it. Do you need to ask your boss for a raise, promotion, or assistant? Do it. Do you need to hire a house cleaner, even if it's only 2x per month, to take the pressure off of you? Do it (they aren't as expensive as you think). Outsource any household task that you can if you work outside the home. Take the laundry to a wash and fold, pay for a deep-cleaning of the house once a month if that's all you can afford, or use paper plates and plasticware during the week to reduce dishes (or better yet, announce, "I wish the dishes did themselves". Your SO might just jump up and do them for you!). Whatever it is you have to do to reduce the pressure on yourself, do it.

Now, what to do in your spare time? Self-care. Even if you are severely overweight, hairy, and feel like a PCOS beast (been there, done that!!) practice self-care like it's your job. Keep your nails nice (painted, even!), shower every day and shave (yes, EVERY day. Don't let those legs, go!), stock up on nice-smelling toiletries and have a routine. Whiten your teeth. Give yourself a steam facial once a week or more (directions here). Watch makeup tutorials, play with different shades and methods, and create a space for yourself! Mine is a corner of our spare bedroom, and it's my sanctuary every morning:

Candelabra- Home Goods, $120. Vanity- Amazon, $219.

After you have started taking care of yourself as if you didn't have PCOS symptoms, you will feel good enough to go onto step 2 and beyond.

Step C to reducing stress: Fun Extras! Wear lingerie to bed. And since you now have shaved legs every day, it will feel extra good. Also, it will invoke sexy time much more often. If you're single, still wear it. You'll feel fabulous for yourself, anyway! It's never too early to start good habits for when you meet that special someone.

Coming soon...
2. Read Fatlogic, Let It Sink In
3. Reduce Calories
4. Work Out
5. Take Supplements/Medication

Laura Doyle's "Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand" - Chapter 2 Review

CHAPTER 2: BEGIN TO RECEIVE
Receiving with grace means you take whatever is offered to you with ease and kindness." -(AGAYCS, pp 16). In Chapter 2, Laura talks about how rejecting a gift means rejecting the giver and declaring yourself unworthy of the gift. This is not the time to be modest, she says. But rather graciously accept the gift without making a mental tally of now I owe this person. Rejecting a gift is also a way to retain control, and shows we are self-sufficient (which is a lie-- no one is self sufficient). Also, trying to keep the score even is another form of control. For example, ever been invited over to a friend's house for dinner, then let's say at the end of the night, you say, "we'll have to have you over as well!" This is keeping score. Of course, you know deep down you want to have your friends over. But announcing it means you intend to make things even, as if you were not worthy of a free dinner your friend laboriously prepared for you. Certainly, have your friend over simply because you want to, not because you feel you must reciprocate!

Receiving graciously also helps you believe that you are worthy of receiving good things in life. Some people, Laura writes, struggle financially their whole lives, then come into money, and squander it because subconsciously they only know how to struggle. Receive, receive, receive, and know that you are worthy!

Here is another example. It's Christmas morning, and your husband hands you a large box, neatly wrapped from COACH. You look at him wide-eyed, and you say, "what did you do! You shouldn't have! Can we afford this?"

Well you've just shut him down before you even opened the darn present! Question: is your husband generally responsible with money? Would it be like him to squander the money reserved for next month's bills? No? I thought so! You've got a good man!

So let's back up: he hands you the large box that is clearly from COACH. Your eyes get wide, and you say, "oh my goodness! What is this!?"

He is giddy with excitement. He wanted to WOW you. Let him WOW you!!

You open the box and a very expensive, large, satchel bag is inside. The fresh smell of leather hits your nose. This is where you oooooh and ahhhh and show you are overwhelmed by such a luxurious gift. Your reaction and appreciation is just as much a gift to him as the gift you are now receiving yourself. AND YOU'RE GOING TO FORGET THE BUDGET AND NEVER ASK ABOUT IT. Ever. Like I said above, if you know your husband won't squander the mortgage payment, then you receive graciously and let him worry about the rest. Maybe he put in extra hours at work. Maybe he got a bonus. Maybe he made personal sacrifices for the last few months to save up the money to afford this Christmas gift for you.

Imagine oooh-ing and ahh-ing, then asking how he paid for it? I can almost hear his testosterone disappearing. Mood killed. Intimacy killed. The next holiday, he'll think twice about getting you something nice, even if it only looks expensive, just so he'll avoid you probing and chiding. Receive it, enjoy it. You deserve it!

Drooling yet?

This is actually somewhat of a true story. My husband and I were dating at the time, and he was in the Army. He was poor as hell, as most new recruits usually are (why don't we pay them more? Seriously!). Anyway, we hadn't seen each other for 5 months, and he wasn't supposed to miss my birthday, but of course the Army does whatever they want and he had to miss my birthday.

On my birthday, there was a knock on my apartment door, and a large package arrived via courier with a large bow and the words COACH across the side. My mouth dropped. I was in graduate school racking up loans, and he was getting Army pay. I gently opened the box and revealed the most beautiful, black leather satchel bag I have ever seen. It was HUGE and GORGEOUS. Tears welled in my eyes and I immediately called him. I told him how special this was to me, and that all I needed was his love instead of nice things, but I will use this bag every single day. And guess what? Almost 10 years later I still use it every day! (Ladies, COACH is an investment that pays you back). Never once did I ask him how he could afford it, or that he shouldn't have because it was too expensive. He knew what he was doing. After all, you wouldn't choose a dumb man, would you? I didn't think so! Let him be the intelligent, independent person that he is.

Laura Doyle's "Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand" - Chapter 1 Review

CHAPTER 1: HOW I DISCOVERED MY RECEIVING MUSCLES, AND HOW YOU CAN, TOO
It's always better to give than to receive"- that's how the saying goes, right? Laura Doyle challenges this mantra in Chapter 1 of her book Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand, and makes quite the valid argument. Let's consider this question first: why is the mantra "it's better to give than to receive" so widely accepted? Answer: because it feels really good to give a person (or a pet-- I don't discriminate!) something that makes them happy, right? I have felt this numerous times and into my adulthood realized it's super fun to give someone a thoughtful gift you know they'll love. For me, the gift will burn a hole in the back of my closet, and I may even taunt the person with "you're going to love the [birthday/Christmas/Festivus] gift I got you! I can't wait to give it to you!". Then, finally that person opens my gift. If they don't act as enthusiastically as I had hoped, suddenly I feel a little let down. In addition, if they give me a gift I love, now I feel guilty and obligated to top it next year-- sound familiar?

Or let's talk about the opposite reaction... I give someone that gift and they LOVE it so much they show everyone else in the room. Maybe they start using it right away or they put it on, dance around the room in it, ask someone to take their picture with it, laugh about it, hug it, make jokes; maybe the whole group spends quite some time talking about it. The gift is a hit! I have a feeling of overwhelming pride, joy, and success. I did it!

Now, why do we as women find it difficult to receive like that? Do you find yourself responding with, "oh thank you! I'm sorry my gift to you was so small! I'll make it up to you!" or "Oh how nice! I'm not sure if I have the figure for it, though!" (more about that topic in a later post). See, it's just as deflating to the giver if we don't receive graciously. Why would they even continue to give us gifts if we just shoot it down? This is what Laura discusses in the first chapter. We have trained our husbands, boyfriends, SO, family and friends to just not even bother, since we'll either criticize it or ourselves upon receiving it.

For example [and I cringe at this now]: my husband got me a necklace for this past Valentine's Day. He ordered it online from a reputable, national jeweler, but he agreed when I opened it (and after I had expressed concern) that for what he paid for it, it was smaller than he was hoping for. It was a beautiful necklace with real diamonds (small diamonds) in an "S" shape. This is how the gift giving went.

I open said gift.

"Oh honey!!! It's beautiful!!!" I enthusiastically and honestly exclaim. I really did indeed like it. I ask him to put it on me. We look in the mirror. "It's so nice!" I say touching it. "But..." oh no ladies, just shut up at this point. Just. SHUT. UP. "... is it a bit small for my face?" Notice how I suddenly criticized myself to try to make the problem about me, not his gift. I actually said this not from a materialistic standpoint, but because of my low self-esteem. I thought it made my face look fat. How selfless of me, huh? I had the nerve to not properly take care of myself at the time, and wound up hurting him because of it.

"Yeah," he replied, "when it came in the mail I was a little disappointed in the size. We can take it back and get you a different one."

Alright, at this point the entire exchange has been polite. There's no anger, yelling, or judgement, like "didn't you look closer at the dimensions online?". However, the intimacy of the moment is gone. He messed up (after all, that's basically what I implied, no matter how nice I thought I was being in 'expressing myself' like an 'empowered', modern woman).

The next day we went to the popular jeweler's brick-and-mortar in the mall. Together we picked out two necklaces for the same price as what he originally gifted me, and they were to my 100% liking. We walked out of the store happy...

...and to this day I'd give anything to have that original, small necklace back. Anything. Picking out the two necklaces and handing back his original choice to the store clerk, I didn't realize at the time, felt completely wrong. I was returning a gift from my beloved. And it hurts.

If there is something specifically that I want, I can go shopping with my girlfriends, or buy myself a gift with my yearly bonus from work. But when your beloved shops for you, and spends time thinking about a meaningful gift, you hold onto that for dear life. They won't teach you that in Empowered Woman 101.

Let's look at a few alternate scenarios that would have preserved the intimacy of the moment, and thus added intimacy to our future:

I open said gift, and exclaim enthusiastically about how I love it. He puts it around my neck, and we both look in the mirror. It looks a little small, but I keep my mouth shut. I turn around immediately and give him a long, loving kiss. Then, he says, "you know, it's a little smaller than I had hoped, and I feel a little gypped for what I paid for it."

I swing back around to the mirror and touch it. "Oh, you think? I love the style, though! You know exactly what I like!"

Then he might say, "let's go back and just get the bigger one for you. I might like that better on you." [notice, it would still be the same style necklace, just a different size, and he's the one making the suggestion.]

Or, he might say, "if you like it, it's yours!" and you kiss a second time. Ooo la la! It's getting hot in here!

Or lastly, if he really feels gypped of his hard-earned cash, he might say, "I really feel like that store ripped me off. Let's go and pick out another one that's better." That's when I say, "whatever you think! I know I'll love the next one, too!" And I take off the necklace, put it gingerly back in it's box, and sit it by his wallet for when we (or just him) goes to the store.

xoxo- Shell

Do you see a typo? I hate typos. Report a typo: shellmybell81@yahoo.com

How To Fix A Spray Tan

Good Saturday morning, all! After so many scary storms here in Southeast PA, we are finally hitting some gorgeous summer weather this weekend. Today hubby and I are taking Daisy and Charmie to a gorgeous park in Media with rolling hills of grass and miles of wooded hiking trails. The forecast is very warm (high 80's) but dry as a Southern California afternoon- my kind of climate! Right now I'm relaxing in bed with a cuppa Starbucks Cafe Verona, my self-improvement journal, and of course a napping Daisy by my side (didn't she just sleep 9 hours last night? I guess she's gearing up for the clan hike today).

So I have a problem to deal with this morning. I used at-home spray tanner for the first time last night and it came out REALLY uneven! My ankles and heels look like I just completed a Tough Mudder! This was mostly due to human error, though. I held the can too close to my skin and it started dripping, but I thought this was normal since the drips were clear and I had just showered, and our bathroom was still humid.

Oh the humanity! Look at that heel!