Laura Doyle's "Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand" - Chapter 2 Review

CHAPTER 2: BEGIN TO RECEIVE
Receiving with grace means you take whatever is offered to you with ease and kindness." -(AGAYCS, pp 16). In Chapter 2, Laura talks about how rejecting a gift means rejecting the giver and declaring yourself unworthy of the gift. This is not the time to be modest, she says. But rather graciously accept the gift without making a mental tally of now I owe this person. Rejecting a gift is also a way to retain control, and shows we are self-sufficient (which is a lie-- no one is self sufficient). Also, trying to keep the score even is another form of control. For example, ever been invited over to a friend's house for dinner, then let's say at the end of the night, you say, "we'll have to have you over as well!" This is keeping score. Of course, you know deep down you want to have your friends over. But announcing it means you intend to make things even, as if you were not worthy of a free dinner your friend laboriously prepared for you. Certainly, have your friend over simply because you want to, not because you feel you must reciprocate!

Receiving graciously also helps you believe that you are worthy of receiving good things in life. Some people, Laura writes, struggle financially their whole lives, then come into money, and squander it because subconsciously they only know how to struggle. Receive, receive, receive, and know that you are worthy!

Here is another example. It's Christmas morning, and your husband hands you a large box, neatly wrapped from COACH. You look at him wide-eyed, and you say, "what did you do! You shouldn't have! Can we afford this?"

Well you've just shut him down before you even opened the darn present! Question: is your husband generally responsible with money? Would it be like him to squander the money reserved for next month's bills? No? I thought so! You've got a good man!

So let's back up: he hands you the large box that is clearly from COACH. Your eyes get wide, and you say, "oh my goodness! What is this!?"

He is giddy with excitement. He wanted to WOW you. Let him WOW you!!

You open the box and a very expensive, large, satchel bag is inside. The fresh smell of leather hits your nose. This is where you oooooh and ahhhh and show you are overwhelmed by such a luxurious gift. Your reaction and appreciation is just as much a gift to him as the gift you are now receiving yourself. AND YOU'RE GOING TO FORGET THE BUDGET AND NEVER ASK ABOUT IT. Ever. Like I said above, if you know your husband won't squander the mortgage payment, then you receive graciously and let him worry about the rest. Maybe he put in extra hours at work. Maybe he got a bonus. Maybe he made personal sacrifices for the last few months to save up the money to afford this Christmas gift for you.

Imagine oooh-ing and ahh-ing, then asking how he paid for it? I can almost hear his testosterone disappearing. Mood killed. Intimacy killed. The next holiday, he'll think twice about getting you something nice, even if it only looks expensive, just so he'll avoid you probing and chiding. Receive it, enjoy it. You deserve it!

Drooling yet?

This is actually somewhat of a true story. My husband and I were dating at the time, and he was in the Army. He was poor as hell, as most new recruits usually are (why don't we pay them more? Seriously!). Anyway, we hadn't seen each other for 5 months, and he wasn't supposed to miss my birthday, but of course the Army does whatever they want and he had to miss my birthday.

On my birthday, there was a knock on my apartment door, and a large package arrived via courier with a large bow and the words COACH across the side. My mouth dropped. I was in graduate school racking up loans, and he was getting Army pay. I gently opened the box and revealed the most beautiful, black leather satchel bag I have ever seen. It was HUGE and GORGEOUS. Tears welled in my eyes and I immediately called him. I told him how special this was to me, and that all I needed was his love instead of nice things, but I will use this bag every single day. And guess what? Almost 10 years later I still use it every day! (Ladies, COACH is an investment that pays you back). Never once did I ask him how he could afford it, or that he shouldn't have because it was too expensive. He knew what he was doing. After all, you wouldn't choose a dumb man, would you? I didn't think so! Let him be the intelligent, independent person that he is.

Laura Doyle's "Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand" - Chapter 1 Review

CHAPTER 1: HOW I DISCOVERED MY RECEIVING MUSCLES, AND HOW YOU CAN, TOO
It's always better to give than to receive"- that's how the saying goes, right? Laura Doyle challenges this mantra in Chapter 1 of her book Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand, and makes quite the valid argument. Let's consider this question first: why is the mantra "it's better to give than to receive" so widely accepted? Answer: because it feels really good to give a person (or a pet-- I don't discriminate!) something that makes them happy, right? I have felt this numerous times and into my adulthood realized it's super fun to give someone a thoughtful gift you know they'll love. For me, the gift will burn a hole in the back of my closet, and I may even taunt the person with "you're going to love the [birthday/Christmas/Festivus] gift I got you! I can't wait to give it to you!". Then, finally that person opens my gift. If they don't act as enthusiastically as I had hoped, suddenly I feel a little let down. In addition, if they give me a gift I love, now I feel guilty and obligated to top it next year-- sound familiar?

Or let's talk about the opposite reaction... I give someone that gift and they LOVE it so much they show everyone else in the room. Maybe they start using it right away or they put it on, dance around the room in it, ask someone to take their picture with it, laugh about it, hug it, make jokes; maybe the whole group spends quite some time talking about it. The gift is a hit! I have a feeling of overwhelming pride, joy, and success. I did it!

Now, why do we as women find it difficult to receive like that? Do you find yourself responding with, "oh thank you! I'm sorry my gift to you was so small! I'll make it up to you!" or "Oh how nice! I'm not sure if I have the figure for it, though!" (more about that topic in a later post). See, it's just as deflating to the giver if we don't receive graciously. Why would they even continue to give us gifts if we just shoot it down? This is what Laura discusses in the first chapter. We have trained our husbands, boyfriends, SO, family and friends to just not even bother, since we'll either criticize it or ourselves upon receiving it.

For example [and I cringe at this now]: my husband got me a necklace for this past Valentine's Day. He ordered it online from a reputable, national jeweler, but he agreed when I opened it (and after I had expressed concern) that for what he paid for it, it was smaller than he was hoping for. It was a beautiful necklace with real diamonds (small diamonds) in an "S" shape. This is how the gift giving went.

I open said gift.

"Oh honey!!! It's beautiful!!!" I enthusiastically and honestly exclaim. I really did indeed like it. I ask him to put it on me. We look in the mirror. "It's so nice!" I say touching it. "But..." oh no ladies, just shut up at this point. Just. SHUT. UP. "... is it a bit small for my face?" Notice how I suddenly criticized myself to try to make the problem about me, not his gift. I actually said this not from a materialistic standpoint, but because of my low self-esteem. I thought it made my face look fat. How selfless of me, huh? I had the nerve to not properly take care of myself at the time, and wound up hurting him because of it.

"Yeah," he replied, "when it came in the mail I was a little disappointed in the size. We can take it back and get you a different one."

Alright, at this point the entire exchange has been polite. There's no anger, yelling, or judgement, like "didn't you look closer at the dimensions online?". However, the intimacy of the moment is gone. He messed up (after all, that's basically what I implied, no matter how nice I thought I was being in 'expressing myself' like an 'empowered', modern woman).

The next day we went to the popular jeweler's brick-and-mortar in the mall. Together we picked out two necklaces for the same price as what he originally gifted me, and they were to my 100% liking. We walked out of the store happy...

...and to this day I'd give anything to have that original, small necklace back. Anything. Picking out the two necklaces and handing back his original choice to the store clerk, I didn't realize at the time, felt completely wrong. I was returning a gift from my beloved. And it hurts.

If there is something specifically that I want, I can go shopping with my girlfriends, or buy myself a gift with my yearly bonus from work. But when your beloved shops for you, and spends time thinking about a meaningful gift, you hold onto that for dear life. They won't teach you that in Empowered Woman 101.

Let's look at a few alternate scenarios that would have preserved the intimacy of the moment, and thus added intimacy to our future:

I open said gift, and exclaim enthusiastically about how I love it. He puts it around my neck, and we both look in the mirror. It looks a little small, but I keep my mouth shut. I turn around immediately and give him a long, loving kiss. Then, he says, "you know, it's a little smaller than I had hoped, and I feel a little gypped for what I paid for it."

I swing back around to the mirror and touch it. "Oh, you think? I love the style, though! You know exactly what I like!"

Then he might say, "let's go back and just get the bigger one for you. I might like that better on you." [notice, it would still be the same style necklace, just a different size, and he's the one making the suggestion.]

Or, he might say, "if you like it, it's yours!" and you kiss a second time. Ooo la la! It's getting hot in here!

Or lastly, if he really feels gypped of his hard-earned cash, he might say, "I really feel like that store ripped me off. Let's go and pick out another one that's better." That's when I say, "whatever you think! I know I'll love the next one, too!" And I take off the necklace, put it gingerly back in it's box, and sit it by his wallet for when we (or just him) goes to the store.

xoxo- Shell

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How To Fix A Spray Tan

Good Saturday morning, all! After so many scary storms here in Southeast PA, we are finally hitting some gorgeous summer weather this weekend. Today hubby and I are taking Daisy and Charmie to a gorgeous park in Media with rolling hills of grass and miles of wooded hiking trails. The forecast is very warm (high 80's) but dry as a Southern California afternoon- my kind of climate! Right now I'm relaxing in bed with a cuppa Starbucks Cafe Verona, my self-improvement journal, and of course a napping Daisy by my side (didn't she just sleep 9 hours last night? I guess she's gearing up for the clan hike today).

So I have a problem to deal with this morning. I used at-home spray tanner for the first time last night and it came out REALLY uneven! My ankles and heels look like I just completed a Tough Mudder! This was mostly due to human error, though. I held the can too close to my skin and it started dripping, but I thought this was normal since the drips were clear and I had just showered, and our bathroom was still humid.

Oh the humanity! Look at that heel!