It's always better to give than to receive"- that's how the saying goes, right? Laura Doyle challenges this mantra in Chapter 1 of her book Things Will Get As Good As You Can Stand, and makes quite the valid argument. Let's consider this question first: why is the mantra "it's better to give than to receive" so widely accepted? Answer: because it feels really good to give a person (or a pet-- I don't discriminate!) something that makes them happy, right? I have felt this numerous times and into my adulthood realized it's super fun to give someone a thoughtful gift you know they'll love. For me, the gift will burn a hole in the back of my closet, and I may even taunt the person with "you're going to love the [birthday/Christmas/Festivus] gift I got you! I can't wait to give it to you!". Then, finally that person opens my gift. If they don't act as enthusiastically as I had hoped, suddenly I feel a little let down. In addition, if they give me a gift I love, now I feel guilty and obligated to top it next year-- sound familiar?
Or let's talk about the opposite reaction... I give someone that gift and they LOVE it so much they show everyone else in the room. Maybe they start using it right away or they put it on, dance around the room in it, ask someone to take their picture with it, laugh about it, hug it, make jokes; maybe the whole group spends quite some time talking about it. The gift is a hit! I have a feeling of overwhelming pride, joy, and success. I did it!
Now, why do we as women find it difficult to receive like that? Do you find yourself responding with, "oh thank you! I'm sorry my gift to you was so small! I'll make it up to you!" or "Oh how nice! I'm not sure if I have the figure for it, though!" (more about that topic in a later post). See, it's just as deflating to the giver if we don't receive graciously. Why would they even continue to give us gifts if we just shoot it down? This is what Laura discusses in the first chapter. We have trained our husbands, boyfriends, SO, family and friends to just not even bother, since we'll either criticize it or ourselves upon receiving it.
For example [and I cringe at this now]: my husband got me a necklace for this past Valentine's Day. He ordered it online from a reputable, national jeweler, but he agreed when I opened it (and after I had expressed concern) that for what he paid for it, it was smaller than he was hoping for. It was a beautiful necklace with real diamonds (small diamonds) in an "S" shape. This is how the gift giving went.
I open said gift.
"Oh honey!!! It's beautiful!!!" I enthusiastically and honestly exclaim. I really did indeed like it. I ask him to put it on me. We look in the mirror. "It's so nice!" I say touching it. "But..." oh no ladies, just shut up at this point. Just. SHUT. UP. "... is it a bit small for my face?" Notice how I suddenly criticized myself to try to make the problem about me, not his gift. I actually said this not from a materialistic standpoint, but because of my low self-esteem. I thought it made my face look fat. How selfless of me, huh? I had the nerve to not properly take care of myself at the time, and wound up hurting him because of it.
"Yeah," he replied, "when it came in the mail I was a little disappointed in the size. We can take it back and get you a different one."
Alright, at this point the entire exchange has been polite. There's no anger, yelling, or judgement, like "didn't you look closer at the dimensions online?". However, the intimacy of the moment is gone. He messed up (after all, that's basically what I implied, no matter how nice I thought I was being in 'expressing myself' like an 'empowered', modern woman).
The next day we went to the popular jeweler's brick-and-mortar in the mall. Together we picked out two necklaces for the same price as what he originally gifted me, and they were to my 100% liking. We walked out of the store happy...
...and to this day I'd give anything to have that original, small necklace back. Anything. Picking out the two necklaces and handing back his original choice to the store clerk, I didn't realize at the time, felt completely wrong. I was returning a gift from my beloved. And it hurts.
If there is something specifically that I want, I can go shopping with my girlfriends, or buy myself a gift with my yearly bonus from work. But when your beloved shops for you, and spends time thinking about a meaningful gift, you hold onto that for dear life. They won't teach you that in Empowered Woman 101.
Let's look at a few alternate scenarios that would have preserved the intimacy of the moment, and thus added intimacy to our future:
I open said gift, and exclaim enthusiastically about how I love it. He puts it around my neck, and we both look in the mirror. It looks a little small, but I keep my mouth shut. I turn around immediately and give him a long, loving kiss. Then, he says, "you know, it's a little smaller than I had hoped, and I feel a little gypped for what I paid for it."
I swing back around to the mirror and touch it. "Oh, you think? I love the style, though! You know exactly what I like!"
Then he might say, "let's go back and just get the bigger one for you. I might like that better on you." [notice, it would still be the same style necklace, just a different size, and he's the one making the suggestion.]
Or, he might say, "if you like it, it's yours!" and you kiss a second time. Ooo la la! It's getting hot in here!
Or lastly, if he really feels gypped of his hard-earned cash, he might say, "I really feel like that store ripped me off. Let's go and pick out another one that's better." That's when I say, "whatever you think! I know I'll love the next one, too!" And I take off the necklace, put it gingerly back in it's box, and sit it by his wallet for when we (or just him) goes to the store.
xoxo- Shell
Do you see a typo? I hate typos. Report a typo: shellmybell81@yahoo.com
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